Wednesday Q&A: The Pressure to Give In

“My fifth grader wants a phone for Christmas. She’s the oldest in our family. My husband and I don’t agree on whether or not she needs one, so I’m dreading the idea of disappointing her on Christmas and her disappointment ruining the whole day. I’m considering doing it and taking it away if it doesn’t work out. What do you think?”

Tis the season for big asks from our kids! As a mother, counselor, and coach, I hear this general question often: Should I just give in?

Well… it depends. There are a few points to consider:

Technology is experienced by kids just like it is by adults. Remember when we made that big leap from Nokia brick phones without internet to Blackberrys, iPhones and Androids? Once we had the world at our fingertips, it was nearly impossible to go back. It will be the same for your child once they experience the apps, the texts, and web at their fingertips.

Big technology is a lot for young, developing minds. You’re hoping for self-control, responsibility, and actually, kindness. Constant connection to peers through a screen does open the door to keyboard courage you’d never know existed in your own child. I see it in even the best of kids as a school counselor. (Check out my other blog post about technology and privacy, by the way. A parent asked a question you may find yourself asking in the near future.)

Sit with your concerns and give respect to them. What’s holding you back from buying the phone? Is it the additional line on the phone bill? Is it a lack of clarity in who she’d be corresponding with and at what hours? Is it always being within reach of her peers? Whatever your gut is telling you, listen to it and respect it while you make this decision.

One last point to consider: “mom guilt” is real and follows us throughout our lives when we have various missteps or do things that makes our child unhappy. We love to love our kids and make them happy. That being said, guilt subsides as we become empowered as parents. If you feel confident in your decision, no amount of teen angst can sway you.

If you choose not to get the phone, and an outburst/moodiness ensues, that may reveal a sense of entitlement in your child that is worth exploring through deep conversation, therapy, or coaching.

If you choose to get the phone, set boundaries that make you comfortable and most importantly, follow through with enforcing boundaries.

I’m an email away.