The Power of “How”

“I don’t know why therapy isn’t working. It’s just not working.”

Have you heard this from your child, too? I hear this so often from the adolescents I work with. 

They share so much about their frustrations regarding counseling and therapy. 

My parents hired my therapist, so I know he’ll just tell them everything I say.

He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see what I’m going through.

I’m tired of talking about why I’m doing something. I wish my therapist would stop asking.

So why do adolescents say these things? Is it because they don't understand the role of a therapist? Maybe it’s because adolescents are constantly being asked “Why?”— the question at the root of therapy.

Why didn’t you clean your room?

Why are you wearing that to school?

Why do you have a D in Biology class?

One day, I decided to stop asking the adolescents I work with, “Why?” Instead I started asking them, “How?”

“How are you going to get your room cleaned?”

“How will you dress for the event?”

“How can you pull up your grade in Biology?”

I eliminated the accusatory, “Why” and gave them the power — by inviting them to lead me to the outcome that gives them the most peace and results in fewer adults being on their backs (let’s be honest, most adolescents do not want to be questioned by adults).

Today I had the opportunity to ask the question of my young client, “How are you going to pull up your grade in biology?” This suggests that, yep, that grade has got to come up, but he gets to determine how he will do that. 

My young client shared his thoughts, taught me about test retake policies, when he can study, and the review packet he has to complete before he can retest. He already knew his mistake — we both saw that D in science. 

Why wasn’t going to get us anywhere. How gave him the power he was yearning for. It gave him the opportunity to teach me and say, “I see where I need to go, this is how I will get there.”

The truth is, sometimes adolescents have their reasons for things that honestly only make sense to someone who’s relying more on their amygdala than their frontal lobe. Often the outcomes of actions, the “pickles” they inevitably get into, act as accountability for their choices. 

“Why” isn’t necessary for these teens. A good, “How” goes a long way.