Q&A Wednesday: How Much Privacy is Too Much Privacy?
“My teen wants more space and privacy on his phone and when he’s with his friends. How much privacy is appropriate right now?”
If I had a nickel for every time a parent asked me this question...
Let's take a moment to be completely, 100% honest with ourselves: kids can do so much more with privacy now than 10, 15, and 20 years ago.
I taught a Social Media lesson in 7th grade classes this week and asked each class who had a friend on social media that they've never met in person but talk to regularly? Friends.... more than half of the hands in each class went up. That. Is. Terrifying.
The goal we work towards as parents is often to raise good humans we can trust. I get it-- if your kid has "good" friends and solid grades, why not give them privacy on their game system and on their phone, right? Ehh, I disagree. We have to remember at all times that adolescents are simply not working with a fully developed brain that supports logical, reasonable decisions. It's not their fault! They simply don't have that matured frontal lobe that supports deduction. Their decision-making is emotionally driven (thanks, amygdala).
Giving advice isn't the name of the coaching game, if you will. But there are helpful questions you can consider when considering if you're giving your adolescent too much privacy:
Does my adolescent's mood change significantly after using their phone?
Do I know my adolescent's friends and who is on the other end of the phone?
Do I know the social media apps my adolescent is using?
Do you have an opportunity to check in with your kiddo on a daily basis (game night, dinner time, riding together to extracurricular activities, etc.)?
Am I listening to my gut feeling?
If your gut is screaming at you, "You know, maybe Manny is spending too much time on his phone," or "Kendra's mood complete changes while she's messaging friends," trust your gut. Let's commit to doing three things:
Create a plan for regular check in time without phones/game systems present and implement it immediately. You need to know the ins-and-outs of your kiddo's day.
Monitor your child's phone activity by installing a Parental Control App, or take advantage of Screen Time features on your child's smart phone.
Nothing good happens at night (except sleep). As a school counselor, I see so many kids upset the following morning from something that occurred in a group text overnight. Take devices at the same time every night. Once your adolescent expects it, there will be far less resistance.
What works for some families doesn't work for others, but it is true across the board that adolescents + too much privacy = opportunity for unsafe decisions.
If you want assistance in strategizing how to spend more time with your adolescent and break through the "I just want to be alone in my bedroom" barrier, set up your Free 15 Minute Exploration Session with me. We can start changing your life... today!