Wednesday Q&A: My Child is Exploring their Gender
“My son has been more stereotypically feminine since he was younger (playing with dolls, interested in princess Halloween costumes, and uninterested in sports). This is not a problem for my husband and me, but he’s asking to “change” his name to Star and his pronoun is “they.” We’re worried about defining his sexuality at such a young age. Any advice?”
First, I want to take a moment to congratulate you. It sounds like you have open communication with your child and they feel comfortable coming to you with personal matters. That is huge! So take a deep breath and share a hug with your husband, you’re doing great!
Throughout my trainings and formal education, I’ve learned quite a bit about gender and sexuality, including:
People use pronouns (he, she, they) to express their gender identity. In America, we skew from masculine to feminine, and anticipate that gender aligns with someone’s biological sex — but it doesn’t always align. “They” is the gray area between masculine and feminine (he and she), where there’s freedom in defining oneself. Gender is solely how your child feels about themselves and wants the world to perceive them. It’s how they feel most comfortable being perceived in their own body.
Gender does not refer to your child’s sexuality — meaning whether your child is gay, bi, straight, etc. Instead, terms like gay, bi, and straight refer to someone’s sexuality (not gender). For example, your biologically male son can identify as “they,” be called “Star,” and date girls. Sexuality and gender are two separate conversations.
Kids nowadays have more access to language to describe their self-expression. My personal belief is that we aren’t seeing an uptick in gender non-conforming kids — they just have more knowledge and access to language to verbalize what people have always experienced.
According to the Trevor Project’s National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health which surveys 34,000 LBGTQ youth, “73% of these youth report that they have experienced discrimination based on their sexual orientation or gender identity at least once in their lifetime” and nearly 1 in 5 transgender youth attempted suicide in the past year.
These statistics tell me is that Star is going to experience some kind of questioning, bullying, or discrimination in their lifetime and it’s imperative they have a supportive home environment. Ways to show support can include thanking them for confiding in you. You can ask whether they’re comfortable in their clothes. You might offer to support them as they ask teachers to address them by their new name, and/or partner with their school counselor to learn how best to support them at school.
Finally, I need to tell you that I hear you — it can be jarring to see your child’s gender expression clash with the way you’ve always thought of your son. I’ve worked with many parents who experience feelings of grief and mourning as they accept a child’s new name (which may or may not be permanent).
Keeping your child’s mental health at the forefront is the most important thing you can do — and you can allow yourself a separate safe space to process your thoughts, doubts, and grief.