Q&A Wednesday: Classroom Issues
“I’m getting emails and calls from teachers saying my teen is distracting, misbehaving, and off task at school. This isn’t like my kid at all. Help!”
Working in a school as a counselor, I have all too much experience with this question. I’m often hearing this question from parents who are concerned “something is wrong.” Are you ready for a hard truth?:
Something IS wrong. But it may not be what you think.
Part of the magic of school is your child is surrounded by so many different kiddos with so many different life experiences. Add a little curiosity, a bit of age appropriate insecurity, and POOF! The child you’ve spent years teaching right from wrong is trying on a new identity.
Don’t worry, it’s not permanent. And if you feel like the behavior the teachers are reporting could never be your child… trust me, it’s probably your child when they’re around certain kids and a certain time of day under a certain adult’s instruction. It IS your kid, but it’s your kid experimenting with who they are.
Your child is doing an amazing job uncovering who they are in the chaos that is middle and high school. They won’t possibly learn the identity that “fits” without a misstep or two. This is normal, this is healthy, and this is adolescence.
BUT (and this is a big but), it’s your responsibility to address the behavior since you know the impacts it can have on a teacher, class, and your child; your child simply does not know that yet. They just know they are experiencing peer feedback and adult attention.
How to address it? This is dependent on your relationship with your child. It can sound like anything from, “Mr. Smith reached out and shared with me that you’re missing assignments/ acting disrespectfully/being silly in class. Can you help me understand?” to “Tell me about the class.” or a simple “I received an email from Mr. Smith: I’m listening.”
Next, give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. Investigate the situation, of course, but operate in front of the child as the teacher’s teammate. If you learn things that make you doubt what is going on specifically, it is a-okay to request more details from the teacher and ask what the classroom expectations are.
Throughout everything, remember your own expectations. Is the teacher asking something unreasonable, or is your child acting a bit unreasonably (which is again, age appropriate and does not make them “bad,” but does require tuning up)? Does the teacher’s goals for your child align with yours (usually.. yes!)?
If you still struggle to get to the root of the problem, I strongly suggest reaching for outside help, such as a counselor or Coach, or join me for a free exploration session. Your student can be successful with the right guidance, support, and redirection.