Q&A Wednesday: Why is my teen always lying?
“I continue to catch my 13 year old lying. It’s usually about doing chores or homework, but we recently caught her lying about her friend’s parents being home when she was spending the night at her friend’s house. How do we stop the constant lying?”
Lying is tough—it feels so personal. You want to build a solid, trusting relationship with your adolescent but how can you when they hide the truth so frequently? Let’s take a look at the reasons our kids lie, and being honest (irony intended), it’s the same reasons we lie as adults.
I recently heard on a podcast hosted by a psychology professor that the average American lies an average of eleven times a week. That seems like a lot, but think about it: we may tell our neighbor their new haircut looks great even if it’s a little too short. We may tell our boss we’re running late because we hit traffic when we actually left 5 minutes later than usual. We say we’re on our way somewhere and we haven’t left yet.
We lie to save face. We lie to reduce conflict. We lie to preserve relationships. We lie to build confidence. We lie to protect ourselves or others.
And your adolescent has those same motivations.
The difference we recognize — and your kiddo doesn’t— is that your adolescent does not developmentally grasp that the situation they may be lying about could escalate or be a safety concern, or get them further away from the values you’re working so hard to instill... and I know you’re working hard.
Ask yourself how you responded last time your kiddo shared something vulnerable with you. Now put yourself in their shoes: could they have experienced any feelings of shame, embarrassment, or frustration? If your child can come to you with the mundane things, they’re more likely to come to you with the disappointing or unusual things.
To this specific parent: you can’t go back in time and roll up the old lies like Christmas lights and store them away, but you can start welcoming more truths now by responding to your child in a way that does not induce that shame, embarrassment, or conflict that your child is avoiding. This means a lot of mindfulness in the moment.
The next time you inevitably catch your child in a lie (because unfortunately, it will happen again with this age), sit with the lie. Consider their motivation, then create a safe space for discussion. Protip for discussions with adolescents: follow the 50/50 rule. Be sure your teen has the opportunity to share at least 50% of the time. Discussions are an equal exchange of language between parties– adolescents usually tune out anything that’s prolonged or where they aren’t feeling adequately heard.
Finally, acknowledge you understand their motivation: “I know you want to have fun with your friends.” “I’m sure you didn’t want to have an argument about your chores.” “I know you didn’t want to disappoint me or your dad.” Validate, then validate again. Then let them know your concerns. Your concerns are valid.
Last part of the 50/50 rule: try to end the day with at least 50% of interactions being positive. Thank your kiddo for the hard conversation and let them know how much the truth means to you, and your expectations in the future. If there will be a consequence in place, make sure it relates directly to the offense, why and how long the consequence will be in place, and talk through it with them so they feel safe talking with you about hard truths. Your response is not a judgment of their character, it’s solely about the incident that took place.
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